Friday, April 25, 2014


I am starting this at 2:31am the day after my final was due. I think I have 6 hours asleep in the the 2 days and 10 in the last three. The computer monitor has been making me dizzy, upset stomach, blurry vision, or all of the above at the same time. There is also the possibility that I have been actually sick though.

Your probably thinking I have been drinking since turning in my final, but you wrong I worked on my final some more. Is it commitment? pride? afraid off embarrassment? Living up to expectations. I don't know probably a little of both.

It seems like the last 5-8 months have been a rocky road emotionally, mentally and physically. Yeah I keep telling people school is good. Ehh to be honest it hasn't been that good. The grades aren't bad but the product coming out of those classes has been lacking. My teachers, dean, and parents are both like the "wtf man." I am like "wtf idk." It is a degree that you really have to be all in for. Not good with the girl friend and not good for the riding. It is such an emotional progress with a product that will have a fine tooth comb ran through and then they might love it or literally rip it up. You have to take pride, care, and time to make sure you get everything in the program all while making it appealing to everyone. It taxing for sure and sometimes you get something good out of it and other times you want to jump off a cliff instead of starting all over. So I will hopefully receiving a diploma in Science of Architecture next week but the question of commitment really begins after that. Do I really want to be an Architect? If so 1 to more years of school. Going to have to talk with my parents about it. Starting to have doubts about it and currently lacking the commitment or drive to do it right.

I have been thinking about it constantly and haven't really told anyone. I am actually a person that tends to be pretty silent outside being with the crew and close friends. The people at work must think I am really weird. Bikes on my computer screens, 5 empty mtn dew cans (moved on to diet dew by the way! Shocking I know)and white kid listening to rap. I hold a lot in as shocking as it sounds for most of you, but I am kind of shy. I got ideas and think A LOT! Way more than people think and it isn't a good trait. I tend to be scared to let them out or commit to things. Not speaking has usually resulted in more bad than good as of recently.

So the goal is to speak up more, take action, and actually put to use what is in my head.

This might result in more blog post, but that might actually require commitment.

1 comment:

BIGWORM said...

Use this venue, to spew it all out. Sometimes it just helps to type it out, even if you never actually share it with the rest of us(though I'd definitely like to read it), because you start trying to make sense of it, so that you can write it effectively. Thing is, I get it. I can remember the hours I spent pouring over images, thinking how to make my photography better, or just grow. Eventually I'd overload, and feel sick of it. I remember very clearly in college, when that one art instructor asked us, Do you love being an artist, or do you love the IDEA of being an artist? One is an almost unstoppable drive. The other is, well, more stoppable. Without that incessant drive, the final product is much harder to produce. I eventually learned that I love photography. But the reality of photography as a job took all the joy out of it for me. F*#K!! I really don't know what I'm trying to tell you man, other than, I hate that you're in a place of doubt, in something that you've dedicated so much time and effort to. If you ever want to just chatter about it, don't hesitate to give me a shout.